Hi everyone! It's been awhile. This post is a little important so I have a feeling im going to be making it a little long... Also, I'm doing it from my phone. So, there may be weird typos.
If you don't wanna read the whole thing here's a basic summary:
I left DA because of Internet hate which brought down my confidence; I got a lot of hate the same day I found out my grandfather died which really made it worse, I planned on coming back the beginning of January but I was hospitalized because of a bowel obstruction and I am still currently in the hospital and plan to come back mid February. Also I feel like shit.
Long version: I guess I'll start... With why I left. It's a really complex reason and I really hope everyone will understand, but I think there might be some people who just won't. And by that I mean, I am aware I have a handfull of followers who might feel neutral about my art rather than full out liking it. Or maybe I'm just talking about the people who don't really like my art at all.
What I'm specifically talking about is the people on artist-confessions. Oh yes... That blog. How do I even start with this. I feel sad for the people pinpointed on that blog. Im amazed just how many people really feel that way about my art. Not because I believe everyone should like my art or anything, but, just how passionate people are about mere HATING. You guys just love the drama. You guys just really love the trolling. I'm just flabbergasted that you really have nothing better to do, sometimes. It's like, whoa. All i do is make art, and some people treat it like... Not... That.
All that being said, I still take some of my trolls to heart. Some people come to back me up like "oh they're just jealous!" or "theyre just trolls and have nothing better to do!" and that could be true for some people, but! Some of the trolls do have some worthy things to say about my art. Like, the thing is, they insult my art, but they're right. I have a lot of problems with my art. I'm very aware of it. And a lot of the things that AC tackles, (and by AC I mean the confessions themselves, plus the anon comment section) I take it all to heart. I take all my critiques to heart, and consider them all, even if theyre worded rudely.
Now that's where my problem lies eith AC. Some people do give good well rounded critiques. Others, do, but are just complete, fucking assholes about it.
Here's the difference.
"The problem with Oceans art is her shading, she doesn't have a definitive light source, and her colors are too bright."
"Ocean doesn't know how to do light sources, her shading is shit and the colors hurt my eyes I can't even look at them."
Though, I know some people would rather say the second example than the first. And that's part of the reason why I left DA.
Mid-December, I got a confession posted on that blog. Comments were the usual. The difference between this confession and the others I've gotten is that this confession was posted just when I had found out my grandfather died.
I had a lot f bad comments coming to me that day while I was dealing with my grandfathers passing. Usually I don't let those confessions hurt me too too bad, but this one kicked me down and I just couldn't feel better. I didn't want to draw at all. I became extremely self consious of my drawings, I thought everything I produced looked like absolute utter crap. Which is why I left. I didn't feel confident in anyone seeing any of my art anymore. I felt embarrassed of it, I felt like it was crappy and there were too many mistakes and I wasn't proud of it at all, and I didnt want anyone to see it. That's what AC did to me.
Drawing was supposed to be fun, and for a short while last moth, the Internet killed it for me. You can call me butthurt. But I don't think I really care. Im very, very human. And I have dozens of thousands people watching me and what I do and what I write and my opinions and my art -- and outside the Internet, I'm so so average, I am such a regular person just like anybody. So to have my every move practically just watched and judged nonstop id extremely stressful. When someones rude to me, I try to play it cool. Because of you lash out, you're a bitch. But then I'd you're sad about Internet hate, you're butthurt. You can't win this. Must be nice to be anon. I'd like to see you try this without your grey face and 20,000+ watching and judging everything you say or do.
I'd just like to add I'm aware that AC has a blacklist. I've considered adding myself, but I'm not sure. /sigh/ I mean;; if I add myself, I'm "a pussy" or I "can't take critiques", if not, I get a lot of hate. I am stuck between as rock and a hard place.
And you know, to be honest, I was never actually bothered by the confessions themselves, most of them are pretty well rounded, it's just the anoncomments that just get stupid. Though a the same time I will say, I don't understand AC, I don't get why the confessor just comes to me, instead of plastering on the tabloids. It's immature IMO.
As for my actual art! I'm very aware of aaaaall of the problems it has. I'm working really hard to find a spot(a style) I can be proud of and enjoy, and have it be realistically correct. The thing I ask for from people, I think, is patience. Or some slack. My art isn't going to change over night. The problem with it, is that I've been drawing for about a decade, and I've been drawing - incorrectly. By that I mean.... One of my biggest problems is my shading. I was shading every article (skin, hair, clothes) with its own light source, rather than just giving the whole body s hard light source. And then of course there's my anatomy. I've been teaching myself that wrong, too. So I'm trying to relearn. Anatomy is hard, man. Cut me some slack if I can't perfect it in even a year.
So that's my art life. I had been having a pretty hectic personal life as well. I won't go into too much detail, but I do know this is something I want to share.
Two years ago, I met someone (not Ichi). My relationship eith this person turned.... Very confusing... This boy, had some problems I couldn't handle, I wanted to get out of it, but he was a little obsessive, a little manipulative, and I might even say it was a bit of an abusive relationship. But I don't hate him. I had feelings for him once, and I feel very sad for him, to know that he has certain anger, things like that, that he can't control. That went on for two years. I am finally getting out of it now. But I think it really took a toll on my art and Internet life because it was a big thing I was worrying about. So that's another thing I am finally getting out of the way.
Fast forward to present day.
It's really sad just how much bad luck I have. I originally planned to come back to DA this month, however, two weeks ago I was hospitalized and I've underwent two surgeries and intensive care and healing.
Three years ago, I got my appendix removed. It was a worse-than-usual-case, and I needed a portion of my bowels removed. Unfortunately, the piece of shit doctor I had sewed my bowels up into a twist. It took three years for my bowels to finally twist. It twisted in two spots. The official name for this is called s bowel obstruction. When I originally went in, I thought j had food poisoning. If only it just could've been that.
I underwent two surgeries. One to un-twist my bowels. The second was to remove my damaged bowels. I wasn't able to eat for over a week. I've been hooked up to nutrients and antibiotics for two weeks. I had a catheter in for a week and a half. Walking has been very difficult. I can't stand up straight. For the first week my catheter was plugged so my body was retaining so much water - I probably gained 30 pounds in my legs. It was absolutely disgusting. It really wasn't nice. And I had a really bad nurse too (for people following my tumblr you know the details of all that) plus I have this terrible trailer trash neighbor. God. I hate her. I've never been able to say I hate anyone before. But I hate this girl. She stayed up so loud on the phone bitching (she does this every day, about people stealing her "gold chains" idek), which cause complaints, and now nobody can stay late anymore. So my mom isn't able to stay late anymore, or my boyfriend. I hate this bitch. I hate her.
As for my actual stay here, I'm not going to lie, this is the worst thing I've ever been through in my life. Organ surgeries are te worst, especially when it's part of your digestive system.... Everything is so uncomfortable, I'm in so much pain every day, I'm so so depressed. My recovery is going so, so slow.
Above all, this is around the tenth time I've done this.
This isn't something I talk about often, but I have had many health problems throughout my life. I haven't gone three years, since the day I've been born, without going through surgeries. I've had four pacemaker surgeries, one open heart surgery, two lymph node removals (two because the doctor took out the wrong one first), my appendix surgery, and now this one, because my last doctor fucked up. I truly have the worst luck. When I was first admitted here, I didn't care about anything anymore. I have gone through this so many times I just didn't care; I think I was at the point where I'd rather die than go through another intensive recovery.
However, I've been here two weeks, and I'm recovering... Slowly. I've been crying every day and I've been really depressed but, I am still recovering. I guess I'm thankful this all happened before con season. I'll be all healed before that rolls around. And also, Ichi and my mom have been here every day helping me. I don't think I could have gone through this without them. Especially Ichi (my boyfriend). He's my angel. ;/////;
So that's where I am at right now. I've been going through a lot. ~v@' I really hope that I can get back to posting art regularly mid-late February. I miss being online and posting art for you guys and Livestreaming and everything. I'll never leave DA, so, no worries about that. I might take my breaks, but I'll never leave. I have too many people who look up to me, dear god, that's right!!!;;; when I left, I couldn't believe the feedback. Really, thank you guys. You all keep me going so much. And once I'm better and shit, I'll be back making more art! ;7;
Speaking of which, if you are a new follower, I have a yearly tradition where I do a request Livestream during the new year. Unfortunately I haven't been able to because of my hospitalization, but I still plan on it.
Thank you all for waiting, and reading, and etc. despite I get hate here and there, it's really all worth it for the amount of love I get in return. I couldn't have asked for better .... Fans. Followers? I really hate using the word "fans". e_e but yeah I couldn't ask for better ones!! I love you! ;/////;
I guess I'll see you all when I see you. Which I hope is soon. Thank you do much always. You guys really do make me feel like a million bucks.